Silent Nights, Loud Families: A CBT Survival Guide

By Katrina Dennehy

We don’t choose the family we are born into. Sometimes we wish we didn’t have to connect with certain members of our family, and sometimes we choose not to. Whether that is for our own sanity or health, it can be and is a hugely difficult decision to make, and situation to manoeuvre. So what happens at times of the year like this? Where there are certain expectations to meet with family and even sit and eat with them, this can cause significant distress.

Whether it is dealing with fallouts, arguments, high tempers, mental health disorders/illnesses, dysfunction or jealousy, here are some CBT strategies to help you to control your controllables.

Notice and name your thoughts

When family tension rises, start by slowing down and observing what you are telling yourself.Common thoughts might sound like “They always ruin Christmas” or “I have to keep everyone happy.” Gently label these as thoughts, not facts, and ask, “Is this completely true, and is it helpful?” This simple check can reduce the emotional intensity and give you a little more choice in how you respond.

Gently reframe unhelpful beliefs

CBT encourages you to look for more balanced, realistic alternatives to harsh or absolute thinking.Instead of “This dinner has to be perfect,” try “It’s okay if things are imperfect; connection matters more than performance.” Rather than “My uncle will definitely start a fight,” you might shift to “He sometimes makes provocative comments, and I can plan how I want to respond or step away.”

Plan coping behaviours in advance

Think of a “Christmas Coping Plan” as a CBT action plan for yourself.Decide ahead of time what you will do if you feel triggered: take a brief walk, step into another room to breathe, text a supportive friend, or help in the kitchen to reset. Having a menu of small, practical actions reduces the sense of being trapped and supports you in staying aligned with your values, even when others are not at their best.

Use CBT-informed communication skills

CBT emphasises clear, specific, and assertive communication.You might use “I” statements such as “I’m not comfortable talking about politics over dinner; let’s change the subject” rather than criticising or attacking. Aim to describe behaviour (“When voices get loud, I feel overwhelmed”) and state a simple request (“Can we lower the volume or take a short break?”), which often reduces defensiveness and keeps conversations more constructive.

Set and keep realistic boundaries

From a CBT perspective, boundaries are behaviours you choose, not ways to control other people.You can decide how long you stay, what topics you will or won’t discuss, and which invitations you will accept. Holding these limits kindly but consistently reinforces the belief, “My needs matter too,” and over time can make family gatherings more manageable, even if they do not become completely conflict-free.

Whatever happens you control you, and no one has the power to make you feel anything, unless you let them!

Wishing you all the happiest Christmas, with peace, calm and compassion for 2026.

Katrina Dennehy