Do you know what you want?

By Noel Daly

Many of us make major life decisions without ever asking ourselves a basic question: Is this what I actually want? Instead, we decide based on how we imagine others will perceive our choices. We get married, choose college courses, take on commitments—not because they align with our true values, but because they look right from the outside.

It’s more common than we’d like to admit. Take Mary, who married a man her mother approved of. He was polite, stable, and came from a “good background". Mary’s mother sang his praises, her friends were impressed, and everything seemed to fall into place. But deep down, Mary felt a nagging discomfort she couldn’t name and did her best to ignore it. After all, she thought, what kind of person walks away from a relationship that everyone approves of? Two years into the marriage, the discomfort had grown into quiet resentment and an unraveling of emotional and physical intimacy. She hadn’t chosen based on connection or shared values—she’d chosen someone she thought looked good on paper.

Or consider John, who chose to study law because he envisioned how proud his parents would be. He had always been more interested in the arts, but that didn’t seem “serious” enough. Law looked better, sounded better—he imagined calling himself a solicitor and people admiring him for it. A few weeks into the course, though, he found himself bored, disconnected, and anxious about the years ahead. He’d made a choice not from curiosity or passion, but from a hope that others would approve.

These decisions aren’t made in bad faith—they’re made under the influence of what psychologist Carl Rogers called conditions of worth: the subtle and not-so-subtle messages we internalise about what makes us “good,” “respectable,” or “successful.” We chase external validation, hoping it will lead to internal satisfaction. But it doesn’t.

So how do you know what you really want? You start by paying close attention to your inner monologue (intrinsic motivation) and tuning out the influence of others (extrinsic motivation). That sounds simple, but for many of us, it’s unfamiliar territory. Tapping into your needs means asking: What matters to me, even if no one else is giving me a pat on the back? Maybe it’s staying single, or downsizing, or not chasing a promotion. Maybe it’s building a quieter, more content life that doesn’t photograph well but feels right when you wake up in the morning.

There’s no universal formula. But if the idea of a decision brings you a sense of peace and contentment—that’s worth paying attention to. If it brings tension, dread, or the pressure to perform—that’s your cue to pause.

In a world where identity is often curated for others—on social media, in family dynamics, in our careers—it can feel radical to choose something based on your own internal compass. But that’s exactly where fulfilment lives. So, stop asking what will impress them and start asking what matters to you. Even if no one else sees it. Especially then.